AUTHOR'S POKER NIGHT
by shneider-man
Summary: Fanfic Authors Shneider-Man, A. Fox, Italian Shizoid Boy, Adrogoz, Musiclover99, and ChaosDestruction have a few rounds of Poker. Guest starring Young Link, Subject Delta, Dante, Naruto, Stitch, and the Tenth Doctor.
1. Chapter 1: Introductions

POKER NIGHT:  
Chapter 1: Introductions:

"Almost there, guys. Ready to get your asses handed to ya?" A young man driving a grey van cockily asked his three passengers. He had brown hair and a small goatee, and he wore a long, black coat.

"Do you even know what the best hand in Poker is, Shizoid?" The man next to him asked. He was about the same age, even though his hair was white. He wore no shirt, but a red waistcoat. He also carried a massive, two-handed blade on his back.

"Course I do, Dante..." Italian Schizoid Boy began confidently. He then looked slightly uneasy. "It's four pairs, right?"

Dante facepalmed. "Why was he invited again?" He asked a man in the back seat. He was a strict-looking man wearing jeans, boots, and a leather jacket.

"Because Shneider-Man felt like inviting him. Deal with it." A. Fox answered.

"Right...And what's with the giant, mute scuba diver?" Dante added, gesturing to a large, muscular Big Daddy sitting next to A. Fox.

"He said to bring a fictional character." A. Fox answered. "I know. It's just...Kinda over-the-top."  
"Dude, you make a living killing demons with lightning guitars and guns that shoot giant crystals. That's just as over-the-top!"  
"Touche, Fox."

Eventually, the four arrived outside Shneider-Man's house, and they all walked to the front door. Subject Delta knocked on it lightly, and he accidentally broke the hinges off and knocked the door down.

"Smooth." Dante and ISB said at the same time.

"Oh, good, you're here." A man standing at the top of a staircase said. He had brown hair, and he wore black pants and a grey jacket.

"Sorry about the door, Shneider. If you want-" A. Fox began.

"Ah, it's fine. The Doctor's here, he can just use his boss screwdriver to fix it." Shneider-Man began, walking down the stairs. He looked towards the kitchen. "Hey, Doc, can you fix the door, please? That giant scuba diver I was telling you about knocked it over!" He called.

"Course, Shneiderman!" A Scottish accent called from the kitchen. A man with black hair and wearing a blue tuxedo came into the room. "Ah, you must be Subject Delta. How are things in Rapture?" The Tenth Doctor asked. He got no answer.

"Swell. Dark as hell, and the hallways are being painted red." A. Fox replied  
"Hm...All of them red?"  
"Yep. With blood."  
"Oh...Lovely." The Doctor replied sarcastically, as he put the door back into place, and used his sonic screwdriver to re attach the hinges.

"Where'd ya get that thing?" Dante asked.  
"Gallifrey."  
"The hell's Gallifrey?"  
"My home planet. It's...Gone, now..."  
"Oh...So...What else can that thing do?"  
"Hack computers, medical scans, pick locks, disarm guns, traps, stuff like that."  
"Dayum...You know where I can get one? Besides Gallifrey."  
"Nnnnnnno."  
"Shit."

"So, who else is coming? Adrogoz, I'm sure." ISB suggested to Shneider-Man. The doorbell then rang.

"That ought to be him. Could you get that, Shizoid?" Shneider-Man said.

"Sure." ISB replied, as he pulled the door open. Outside was a man with tall, brown hair, and a long, blue coat with one sleeve. Next to him was a boy with spiky, blonde hair, wearing an orange gee. "Hi, Adrogoz. I see you brought Naruto." ISB said.

"Yeah, because Shneider-Man doesn't watch any anime outside of Death Note." Adrogoz said, giving a stern glance towards Shneider-Man.  
"Well, sorry for not being a nerd!" "Who was the main character in the Death Note pilot?"  
"Taro Kagami."  
"Yeah, you're a nerd."

"Are we the last ones?" A young, female voice asked from behind Adrogoz. He turned around to see a teenage girl with long, light brown hair, wearing a t-shirt and jeans. With her was a boy of about 8, with blonde hair, and wearing a green tunic and brown boots, and carrying a small sword.

"ShadowMusicLover! And Link. Wonderful to see you both." Shneider-Man said, as the two entered. "And no, CD's still on his way."  
"He's bringing Stitch, right?"  
"Yeah. His own version of him, with a bunch of Generator Rex powers."  
"I remember that one. He was the one at CD's house party, right?"  
"Yep. And this is The Doctor. He was at that house party too, remember?" Shneider-Man said, as The Doctor waved to SML.

"Yeah, I remember him, too. You ran off early on, though, for some weird reason."

"I had to go stop a Cyberman invasion...Again..." The Doctor replied.

"I thought it was because CD didn't know about The Doctor until I'd told him." Shneider-Man joked.

"I'm standing right behind you, you know?" A rather strict voice replied. Shneider-Man looked over his shoulder and saw a teenage boy wearing a red shirt and black trousers. He also had short, black hair.

"Yeah, I know, ChaosDestruction." Shneider-Man replied.

"How the hell did you get in here?" Naruto asked.

"Magic. *snort, snort*." said a blue, dog-like creature with rabbit-like ears behind ChaosDestruction.

"Did Stitch just come out of where I think he came out of?" Shneider-Man asked.

"...No! Don't be disgusting." CD replied. "And what was with the snorting thing?" He asked Stitch.

"It's a meme." Stitch answered.

"So, are we gonna play some Yu Gi Oh or what?" Naruto asked.

"...What?" Adrogoz asked.  
"You said we were gonna play cards, right? The best anime card game there is is Yu Gi Oh."  
"I never said it was an anime card game, Naruto!"  
"So...No Yu Gi Oh?"  
"No, no Yu Gi Oh."  
"...You're dead to me..."

Later, everyone was gathered around a Poker table.

"Alright, so...I have absolutely no idea how this works, so could someone please explain?" SML asked.

"Of course." A. Fox began. "To start, each player is given two cards. The dealer; me, will then place five cards face down in the centre of the table. Everyone will then place their bets based on how confident they are on their first two cards. Then there's the Flop, where I turn over the first three cards. Everyone else will then bet based on how their two cards go with the three new ones. Then there's the Turn, where I turn over another card and there are more bets. Finally, there's the River, where I turn over the last card, everyone places their final bets, and they show their cards. Whoever has the highest rank of cards is the winner. The lowest rank is a pair, which, obviously, is any two cards of the same name, like two sevens. Then there's two pairs, which is self explanatory. Three of a Kind is like a pair, but with three. Full House is a combination of a pair and a Three of a Kind. Four of a Kind is also self explanatory. A Straight is when you have a set of cards in any consecutive order, like Ace, 2, 3, 4, 5, or 10, Jack, Queen, King, Ace, regardless of the symbol. A flush is a set that has all Spades, or all Hearts, etc, with the numbers coming one after another, regardless of the gaps between them, but you can't have two of the same number. A Straight Flush is when the numbers are consecutive, and the symbols all match. Finally, a Royal Flush is, specifically, a 10, Jack, Queen, King, and Ace, all of the same symbol. And for betting, anyone can start off a bet, but you have to at least call to stay in. A Call is when you match someone else's bet. Call and Raise is where you increase the amount of the current bet. If you're betting first, you can Check, where you make the current bet zero, but it is still a regular bet, it has to be called, and it can be raised. If you wanna give up, you Fold, which...Pretty much means 'give up.'" He finished.

"Thanks for wasting our time, Fox." Dante replied.

"Hey, I need to know what's going on!" SML retorted.  
"Probably won't make any difference, though."  
"That's it, you're going down, old man!"

"Alright, alright, can we start now? ISB, can you tell her the amounts of the chips, quickly, please?" Shneider-Man asked.

A. Fox shuffled the deck of cards. He then passed two to each player. "First bets." He said. Everyone threw in a single white chip; ten dollars. Everyone glanced at their cards.

A. Fox placed his hand over his mouth, as if he was pondering...

Shneider-Man gave a frown, but it still said 'I'm pleased...'

Italian Schizoid Boy gave a sly smile, despite the fact that he was giving a slight sweat...

Adrogoz scratched his head uneasily...

ShadowMusicLover smiled casually...

ChaosDestruction gave Stitch a villainous grin...

Stitch returned the grin...

Dante gave his smallest smile...

The Doctor's face stayed completely blank...

Naruto glared at each of the players...

Subject Delta's helmet turned yellow...

Young Link gave a quiet groan...

A. Fox reached for the deck, took five cards, and placed them on the table.

"The Flop..."


	2. Chapter 2: First Round

Chapter 2:  
First Round:

A. Fox turned over the first three cards in the center of the table. They were revealed to be a Jack of Hearts, an Eight of Spades, and a Three of Hearts.

"Bet twenty." CD said, as he tossed in twenty dollars worth of chips.

"I'll see your twenty, CD." Stitch replied, throwing in the same amount.

"...Psst, Shneider, I thought I told you that Stitch wears goggles a lot." CD whispered to Shneider-Man.  
"Goggles are gay."  
"You're gay!"  
"FINE!" He snapped his fingers and a pair of green goggles appeared over Stitch's eyes.

"Thank you." CD muttered.

"Aw, that's kinda cute." SML said to Stitch.  
"Hey, I could take everyone in this room, you know?"  
"...You know, I think I like your portrayal of him better, Shneider."

"You see, the ladies dig my Stitch portrayal more than yours." Shneider-Man joked to CD. "My Stitch portrayal brings all the girls to the yard and they're like 'It's better than yours, it's better than-'" He was then tackled by CD.

"HEY, HEY, enough of this! Can we just get the fucking game on?" Adrogoz demanded, as he pulled CD off of SM.

"...K, sorry...I get a little violent sometimes." CD replied.

"Well, with a name like 'ChaosDestruction', I can't say I'm surprised." Adrogoz joked, before sitting back down. "Calling twenty."

"Fo-WAIT, no, call." SML stuttered.

Everyone else called.

"I'll raise to thirty." The Doctor said, throwing in an extra ten-dollar chip.

"I'll see that, Doctor." Shneider-Man called.

"Bet your ass." Dante called.

Everyone else called the raise.

"The Turn." A. Fox announced, as he turned over another card. It was a Seven of Spades.

"I'll bet twenty five." Young Link started.

"Dafuq? You can actually talk straight?" ISB said, startled.

"Well, the whole grunting joke's been done into the ground, so I figured 'to hell with it.'" SM replied.

"And he didn't shut up for the entire ride..." SML groaned, as she called.

"...Ah, hell with this! I fold!" Naruto said, laying his cards down, frustrated. "Hey, Naruto, SM got any Sprite?" He asked someone in the kitchen. Everyone looked curiously towards the kitchen, and were suprised to see another Naruto looking in the fridge.

"No, he doesn't." The Shadow Clone answered.

"Sorry, I find Sprite too sweet." SM said.

"He does, however, have twenty twelve-packs of Ginger Ale." Shadow Clone. Naruto glared at SM.

"Sorry, that stuff's like weed to me!" He replied.

"I'm way ahead of you, Naruto. I'm foldin' too." Adrogoz said, laying his cards down. "Does he at least have some Coke?" He asked the Shadow Clone.

"Mmm...Drugs..." Shadow Clone joked, with his head in the fridge. He then tossed Adrogoz a can of Coke Zero.

Everyone else called the bet.

"And...The River..." A. Fox announced, turning over the final card. It was a Three of Spades.

"Forty." Dante bet.

"Call...And raise to forty five." SML said confidently.

"To fifty!" ISB raised.

"...Fifty, then." The Doctor called.

"Tsk...Sorry, I'm foldin'." A. Fox announced.

"Buncha rubbish here. I'm foldin' too." Shneider-Man replied. Everyone else who hadn't bet folded.

"Right, show your damn cards." A. Fox ordered. ISB placed his cards on the table.

"Three of a kind, eights!" He declared, showing his cards; an Eight of Clubs and an Eight of Diamonds, matching with the Eight of Spades.

"Full House, bitches!" Dante bragged, showing his cards; a Seven of Hearts and a Seven of Clubs, matching with the Seven of Spades, the Three of Spades, and the Three of Hearts.

"Oh, really? That's ni-Four of a kind!" SML happily stated, as she threw down her cards; a Three of Diamonds and a Three of Clubs, matching with the Three of Hearts and the Three of Spades. "Top that, Doc!" She bragged to The Doctor, who gave a sly smile before throwing down his cards on the table.

"ACE HIGH FLUSH! YES! THAT IS HOW YOU PLAY A GAME OF CARDS!" He exclaimed. His cards were an Ace of Spades and a Five of Spades, matching with the Eight of Spades, the Seven of Spades, and the Three of Spades. "WOO-HOO!" He began running around the house in victory.

"The heck's wrong with him?" CD asked.

"Hey, there's no point being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." SM replied, smiling.

"Aw, come on! Quit trollin' me!" SML angrily called up to The Doctor, who was hugging a light brown cat in the living room.

"Hey, be careful with Chuck, Doc!" SM called. "Yeah, I named my cat Chuck Norris."

"And why the hell did you do that, if you don't mind me asking?" Adrogoz asked. Chuck suddenly broke free of The Doctor and kicked him in the face, sending him flying in the air.

"For shits and giggles, I guess." SM answered.

"K, can we just finish with this gay Poker game?" Young Link asked.

"How's it gay?" A. Fox replied.  
"Cuz there's only one chick here."  
"Touche...I probably could've tried inviting over this one girl I know. Her name's Tish, brunette girl, glasses...And when I say I know her, I mean I have a bit of a crush on her and I'm having a bit of problems getting past that point."  
"Ah, that's a shame...I know what that's like..."  
"But I've got a feeling that my chance is coming...Soon..." He gave a determined grin.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. "Ah, that'll be the last guest. Schizoid, could you get that?" S, asked. ISB got up and walked over to the door. He opened it, and there was a young Asian man wearing glasses, a grey hoodie, and black pants. With him was a man who looked very much like him, but was older. He had a thin moustache, wore grey body armor, carried a rifle, and wore a stetson.

"Sorry I'm late. I'm Insertjokehere. This is the Courier." Insertjokehere introduced.

"Italian Schizoid Boy. Did Shneider say you'd be late?" ISB asked. IJH gave a stifled chuckle. "Oh, fuck you, man."

"Sorry, sorry...K, let's just play some cards so Courier can give us all his chips." IJH replied. Courier took out his pistol and pointed it to IJH's head. "So Courier can kick all our asses." Courier holstered his pistol, and the three walked in and sat down, as The Doctor sat down with them.

"Mates, this is Insertjokehere. Don't worry, he said he'd be late." SM explained, as A. Fox shuffled the cards.

"Whose the cowboy?" Stitch asked.

"My version of the Courier, from Fallout." IJH explained.

"He's the guy you said sucked major ass at Poker, right?" SM asked. Courier pointed his pistol at SM. "I didn't say it." He replied. Courier pointed his pistol at IJH.

"You know what?" IJH began. He brought up a menu screen from thin air that had a picture of a cartoonish man holding a rifle on the right, and had the names of several guns on the left. After removing several guns, he made it vanish and looked back to Courier. "I sold all your guns on eBay. Now shut up and play the game, ya little shit." He said to him.

"You're a real asshole, you know that?" Courier growled.

"Yeah..." IJH blankly replied.

"Alright, mentlegen, may we proceed?" A. Fox asked, as he passed two cards to each of the players...


	3. Chapter 3: INSERTJOKEHERE

Chapter 3:  
[[INSERTJOKEHERE]]

A. Fox lay down the first three cards; a King of Spades, an Ace of Spades, and a Five of Diamonds.

"Bet ten." Insertjokehere said, throwing in ten bucks worth of chips. "And why the fuck is Stitch wearing those ridiculous goggles?"

"I told you they were gay." Shneiderman whispered to ChaosDestruction, who responded, in smashing Courier's beer bottle over Shneider-Man's head. "Ow." SM muttered glumly.

"Hey, kid, you'd better fetch me another bottle." Courier scolded.

"Get it yourself." CD objected, as his arm turned into a massive, sharp boxing glove. Courier responded, by pulling out a laser cannon twice his size. "Fine." CD got up and fetched another beer from the fridge.

"Thanks." Courier replied, as he smashed that bottle over CD's head. "Raise to twenty."

"What's with all the violence?" The Doctor exclaimed, as A. Fox placed down another card; a Ten of Spades.

"Because it's funny." A. Fox began.  
"How?"  
"Don't you find it amusing when you blow up your own pla-"  
"Don't even go there!"  
"...Or what?"

The Doctor glared at A. Fox for a short while. "Ten." He bet.

"So, IJH, what's with you showing up later than everyone else?" SML asked, as she called.

"It's more like a 4th wall reference to how a certain fanfic writer didn't invite me until the second chapter was halfway done." IJH answered, as he glared towards Shneiderman. Suddenly, a wall in the other room fell over.

"Dodgammit, IJH, you broke the fourth wall!" Shneiderman groaned. There was the sound of drums and cymbals, followed by crickets chirping, and everyone giving an annoyed glare at him. "Should I kill myself?"

"Please!" IJH, CD, and Link groaned. Shneiderman's head then exploded. The Doctor and SML nearly fell out of their chairs, startled. Shneiderman then grew another head.

"What?" He asked, in response to the stares.

Finally, A. Fox had laid down the last card, which was a Three of Diamonds. Everyone placed their final bets.

"Now, can I just ask...We're not gonna have any gambling debts from this, are we?" ISB asked.

"Yeah, we do. And you're paying for them all. No shit, we don't!" Dante answered. "Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah! Four of a-"

"ROYAL FLUSH, BITCHES!" IJH exclaimed, as he threw down his cards; a Queen and Jack of Spades, to match up with the Ace, Ten, and King. He pulled in all the chips close to him. "You see, Courier, THAT'S how you play poker."

"You do realize that that's all fake money, right?" CD replied.  
"...Fuck off..."

"Well, I think that's enough for one night." Shneiderman stated, as he began packing up the chips into a silver case.

"That's it? Two games," Naruto exclaimed.

"And we only got one," Courier added.

"Yes, well, you see, people can only be interested in a concept for so long. It's like the film 'Happy Feet'..."  
"Aw, crap, here he goes..."  
"That had the plot of a ten minute short film, but was made 80 minutes longer. I don't want to make this story ten chapters long when it's just a bunch of nerds sitting around playing poker with fictional characters, because then people would get tediously bored of it and start wanting to kill penguins, like I did watching 'Happy Feet', that fucking disgrace to the wo-"

"That is a legit query," IJH interrupted. ISB nodded in agreement.

"But you've gotta have something for a grand finale," He added. "It can't just end for the sake of ending,"  
"Too true, Schizoid. But no, I don't have anything planned,"

"But I do," A. Fox replied, giving a sly grin.

"...Alright, what's with the pedo face," SML asked, nervous.  
"A little surprise before you all run back to your TARDISes and your Hawaiis and your New Vegases and such." A. Fox leaned back in his chair, shuffling the deck of cards. "Something I've been cooking up for a while now. And before he comes, I apologize to any of you Rowling fans,"

Suddenly, there was the sound of people screaming and glass shattering outside. The fourteen heroes darted outside to see what all the ruckus was. They saw several houses being lifted into the air, and a man dressed in a black cloak, riding on a broomstick. The man turned around, and he was shown to have glasses over his hellish red eyes, and a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead.

"Heh, that guy looks kinda like Daniel Radcliffe..." SML stated.

"Yeah, funny you should mention that," A. Fox muttered, as he stepped in front of the group. "HEY, POTTER! LOOK AT ME, YOU SHITHEADED HELLSPAWN!" He took out his two long blades.

"Potter? That's not-" The Doctor began.

"Harry Potter, yes," ISB began. "A. Fox has been meaning to use this version as a villain. Basically, in this Harry's reality, he destroyed Hogwarts and most everyone in it. Then he died, and now he's come back from hell."  
"So...If Harry was Voldemort?"  
"...Yeah, if you want..."

"You...I think I've seen your photograph somewhere..." The demonic Harry Potter began. He had the same English accent as the real one, but it rung with a rumbling, disturbing echo. "Dr. A. Fox, is it?"  
"No, not him. I'm just plain, old, boring A. Fox. The good doctor's probably off getting ready to wreak an Ultimate Crisis...On Alternate Earths...2...I don't do that. I go to house parties, kill horror movie icons, and direct pornos, but I digress. I suppose you're helping yourself to a coming home rampage?"  
"Well, of course. Still wish I was in London. It's always fun to kill Londoners."  
"Yeah, I bet they are. Unfortunately, I can't let you do that, Fox. You see, I'd say me and my friends here have you outnumbered and overpowered. I've got people who are immortal, people who can lift a house like paper, people who can screw up physics and all that shit. Let's see how that all fares against some fairy boy on a broom!"  
"You are a cheeky little shit, aren't you..." Harry muttered, as he pointed his wand at the group.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"


End file.
